Relationships, companionship, love, and friendship are things we all long for but some of us often fall into ones that show us more love than hurt. I would like you to read a story about a young girl who loved her abuser more than herself.
At eighteen I fell in love for the first time. I gave this person my all and let them see me in ways I had never let anyone else see me before. For the first time in my life I felt what the movies were talking about, that passion that infatuation that I never wanted to let go of; I thought it was something that could last forever, I found that person that I could finally trust.
I quickly learned that love doesn’t come in just one shape or form and it doesn’t always last forever. I saw my love fading and in a haste to save it, I gave myself away, all it took was one time and then I was his forever. Because I was okay with it once, it meant that I was okay with anything and everything from that point on. The word “no” was no longer registered in my relationship, I had given myself up once so why not again and again?
I was too young to realize that I had done it for all the wrong reasons and I wanted so much to get it back. From that point on if I ever said no again I was met with anger and frustration, I was a tease, I was being overdramatic, and I just needed to relax. I heard the words “well if you don’t want to then I can go get it somewhere else.” I thought to myself how could someone I love say these things to me? So I gave in, even though I didn’t want to, I did it because the repercussions I would face were worse than my submission.
At times I would feel okay with my relationship, I would try and justify the things being said to me, maybe it was my fault, maybe I wasn’t experienced enough, maybe I was the problem all along and I needed to listen and the hurtful words will soon disappear. I soon discovered, the more I gave in the less I was heard, my opinion no longer mattered, my feelings no longer had warrant, I felt disposable, I was replaceable. I wanted to please this person so much that I lost sight of my own happiness, I lost myself trying to hold on to someone who didn’t care for me the way I cared for them.
After my relationship ended I was left with scars, I fell into a depression, I blamed myself for it ending and to this day I have yet to feel that I am going to be good enough for anyone to love. I overcompensate and put on a brave face as if nothing ever happened but behind closed doors I suffer in silence. I’ve witnessed relationship abuse throughout my entire life, and I’ve seen the effects and the toll it takes on others, I never thought I would be in that same place. It is etched in my mind that I am the one not worth loving, not the one who caused me this pain.
– Anonymous.